Thank goodness

Mr Vista will be less visible for a couple of months while we try to get additional funding for Series 3. There are some great scripts in and some top secret funding opportunities 'just a few clicks away'.

Of course the downbeat spirit of Mr Vista prevents me from actually getting excited about it all. Plus, the realisation that none of this matters anyway. Yeah! Pointless lives! Just the way we like it.

So please now return to you repetitive existence. Until Series 3 is back on perhaps play the fun real life Mr Vista game. It is called 'how little impact do I make on the world?'. It is easy. Simply ask yourself...

If you didn't make it to ever see Mr Vista Series 3 :( and you died tomorrow how would anyone know? Because:

1. your blog wasn't updated
2. your turn on a facebook game wasn't taken
3. your productivity at work decreased
4. your productivity at work increased!
5. no one would notice for months until the firebrigade has to break into your flat and they find a skeleton hunched over the keyboard with a half typed search on google maps for the nearest doctor because you couldn't remember the emergency number was 999.

Cheers then! Have fun :)

*top progress bar shows the new 'rural English' language setting in Vista.

How 'hot' is Mr Vista?

We were all very proud when YouTube wanted to feature Mr Vista as a case study in using the new 'Hot Spot' feature.

Recognition, fame, pride. We all need such things. And who better to deliver it then a large advert funded corporation!

This new feature allows you to see how a video holds the attention of the viewer. Adam Sense, from YouTube, talks through the system and how it could be used to make Mr Vista a richer experience for viewers everywhere. The man is clearly understands the exciting nature of this new artform with an eye to the sensibilities of its growing audience and the boundaries of its aesthetic potential.

The quiz results (so far)

'Self reflection' and 'personal diagnosis' is always a great way to waste time. And I am happy to help you all in doing it.

However, some bad news. It would seem that the majority of 'Vistarons' are in fact too cool for Mr Vista. Here are three tasks to do this week which should help you all get back on the pointless treadmill of existence where you know that you belong:

1/ Try to install linux on your Playstation3. Its geeky. Pointless. And turns a fun device into a machine that requires constant IT maintenance and updates. Brilliant!

2/ Rip all your DVDs. Why have bulky DVDs that you feel obliged to lend to friends? Sod that. Instead spend days ripping them all to your media server - even better news - you may need to upgrade your 'g' wireless to 'n' to make it stream okay. What a treat! Bonus points for spending hours researching the best codec to rip to. Super extra bonus for picking a codec that is amazing but that no-one in the world uses.

3/ Set up a fake profile. Don't have enough 'friends' on facebook etc. Set up a fake one instead. Someone that could, in fact, actually be popular. Someone who looks like he may go out and do things and would have an opinion of things. Word of caution however - prepare for instant depression as your imaginary person turns out to be more popular than you within 14 hours.

Take the Mr Vista quiz!

See how much of a geek you really are! And you are off to a great start already by...

a/ being here
b/ thinking about taking a nerdy online quiz

So go for it.

This page cannot be found

You know how it is, you are merrily 'surfing' the web - or at least floating on it in a blow up dingy - when you hit the dreaded...

404 error

aka - page not found.

Well now, at last, that need not be the boring dead end it is today. Not if webmasters everywhere ditch that dull, lifeless bit of text and instead select one of "Mr Vista's stupidly short yet depressingly accurate portrayals of the randomness and repetition of life as typified by following a dead link to an empty page" clips. Or, for those who prefer to have things explained using old fashioned notions of 'truth' or 'accuracy' - here are some 5 second clips you can stick on dead pages.*

Why let people guess whether you have stuffed up your website build? Be proud of it.

See you in the future folks!

*If you have a website then you will probably find your webspace provider has a folder of error pages you can adapt. Have look in your server space. Simply add the code for the clip you like to the html of the 404 error code page. You get the embed code you need to add by clicking on the 'menu' button of the clip you like and then selecting 'URL and embed code'.

Mr Vista officially 'a waste of time'

FeedMil searches blogs for interesting content.

Mr Vista was duly searched and an automatic word cloud was generated for the content of the entire output so far. What words sum up this 2 year endeavour? To what key phrases did the complex computer algorithms boil down all this creativity?

As you can see, "Waste of time" the was main conclusion.

Yeah! Rock on!

Back up your brain

Back up your brain
Uploaded by MrVista - Sitcom, sketch, and standup comedy videos.

YES! We see a 'welcome' return to the Brain Transfer Kit! As seen in previous episodes it has now returned to seek revenge. Perhaps it should be used to forget the entire second series of Mr Vista.

But remember, as "The Colleague" says - if you are going to use the Brain Transfer Kit (tm) then obviously make sure that you back your brain up first. Losing 10 years of photos when your hard drive goes down is nothing compared to having your mind reformatted. All those childhood memories can't be recovered. But then maybe that is for the best. And if you wait long enough old age will dull the pain. It ensures that the cumilative experience of lost chances and regrets - aka your life - slips in a grey fog.

Now if only we could invent a brain RAID!

Do you have a better idea?

The new series of Mr Vista is coming soon. And the good news is - it will be the last.

Obviously we can't even really be bothered to make this series, but over the months it has sort of become a habit. Like going to the nearest barber even though he is half blind and you should walk another 50 yards.

Or maybe your habit is watching every episode of Mr Vista and then moaning about how you could do better. Well now you can. If you have an idea or script then send it in. A line or two is more than enough if the crushing, depressing, soul sucking, technobabble idea shines through. Send them to...

mrvista at projectorfilms dot com

Easy! So far we have about 15 ideas sent in by the vistarons. Can't promise to make them all, but we try.

---

Last series we used ideas from all these people - sometimes with a bit of mix and match to make it all work...

Dom Carver - 3 great episodes - SatNav, paying the bills and the microwave meal
Stephen Morrison - with the film downloads
Mark Wellman - for throwing in the title Mr Vesta
Dailymotion viewer - Fssabbagh and Rob Hill both said; Mr Vista goes on Holiday

So thanks to them as well as the regular Mr Vista crew - The Uncle and Marshman

Getting somewhere at last

The SatNav of life! With Mr Vista
Uploaded by MrVista - Click for more funny videos.

Mr Vista is all about good wholesome feelings such as; boredom, despair, lethargy, melancholy - and my own personal favourite; the feeling of being ineffective.

Well today this is all summed up via the medium of the satnav. Now you really can feel like you aren't getting anywhere in life. Hurrah!

Guest writer: Dom Carver
Guest appearance by: The Progress Bar

I'm Mr Vista!

Everyone wants to be Mr Vista these days - well, without the crushing loneliness at futile existence anyway!

Worst Holiday Ever

Just as it gets sunny let's remember what a real British trip to the seaside should be like! Yeah! Us geeks aren't really happy with all this good weather. Damn, we may even lose our paleness!!! So think of this video as something comforting.

So now - the full awful, tragic and depressing evidence of Mr Vista's so-called holiday. A follow on from the previous episode as so many people seemed to like the brief glimpse and wanted to see more downbeat miserable drudgery to quench their Mr Vista thirst!

Worst Holiday Ever
Uploaded by MrVista - Exotic and entertaining travel videos.

Should remind you of your childhood too!

Mr Vista - the corporate shill

The progress bar is the ultimate method to summarise all of life's issues. As you know.

Even the economy. And if you fancy following the advice in charge (the same people who got us in the mess in the first place!) then it seems you simply have to just go out and spend money.

Well that sounds like too much trouble. So instead stay in and purchase some Mr Vista tat and commercial rubbish. So everyone will know you are a top geek and/or nerd.




The little thingy above is a small flash app that shows you the kind of crazy stuff I'm peddling. But if it doesn't work then I have a simpler picture below.

"Push to Pull" designed by Mr Vista
Design a Custom Shirt with www.zazzle.co.uk

The impact of the recession - in progress bar form

The impact of the recession - in progress bar form
Uploaded by MrVista - Watch more comedy videos and sitcoms.

Yes! Back by demand - the progress bar.

Seeing as how that was what this whole ridiculous thing was supposed to be about it makes sense to have it in every now and again. In the same way that you have to invite that uncle around 3 times a year even though he smells of despair.

Anyway, another great episode written by Dom Carver. And next time, more from Mr Vista's holiday.

Dude, where's my personal jetpack?

Dude, where's my personal jetpack?
Uploaded by MrVista

You know how it is. You ask for a personal jet pack, a simple enough request, and yet it never arrives!

Of course things that have come true include being able to speak to anyone on the planet from anywhere on the planet, having access to the sum of all human knowledge and of course the ability of just about anyone to be able to create any artistic endeavor at home.

But whatever dude, where's that damn jetpack I saw when I was a nipper!

Progress, what progress?

Interview

A special post today. An interview from the BBCs Pods and Blogs show on FiveLive with the creator of Mr Vista, Tim Clague.

Here is the crucial extract.

Mr Vesta

Estimated time to microwave this dinner - 2 minutes. Yeah right! It seems like progress bars and the the back of food boxes have a lot in common!

Ever feel like the life is being sucked out of you? Of course you do. Why else would be here, at the home (the epicentre even) of that kind of downbeat defeatist thinking? Good on ya! Welcome.

Anyway - here is an analogy to that way of thinking as Mr Vista attempts to simply heat up his frozen lunch. Is it that simple - yes. Is it that simple for him - luckily no, or I'd be out of a job.

Today's fine episode was sent in by writer Dom Carver. Dom's original script also made reference to the progress bar - but I think his idea is strong enough without. Take it away Dom...

Mr Vesta
Uploaded by MrVista

---

Plus, hear all about Mr Vista on the BBC. He will feature on the Pods and Blogs show which is broadcast very early Tuesday morning. But perhaps its better to catch it online afterwards.

Free set of Mr Vista Emoticons

Roll up, roll up! Get you free set of nerdy MSN* chat emoticons. Yes! You too can appear a full on nerd in front of your friends, peers, colleagues and flirt buddies. If that is your thing - and I should hope that it is.

Why simply have the letters LOL appear when instead they see this... Hilarity ensured. Be popular instantly!

Download the full set of MSN chat emoticons here. Some chat programs allow you to install this package as a zip straight in. If you can do it this way then you will find the right picture is already attached to the right phrase. Easy!

*other types of chat programs are also welcome

Funnee vid 4 sure lol

Dis week u can c a vid all about smileys and acronyms. So if u dont no your 'lmao' from your 'rtfm' then this is the film 4 u! :) *

*please also be aware that I now feel ill from typing this and am expecting society to fall at any moment. But before that happens please do not deny yourself a final moment of please and the 'enjoyment' of this weeks slice of geek related fun that is Mr Vista. Take it away you blue-suited clown...

Funnee vid 4 sure lol
Uploaded by MrVista

Mr Vista tells it as it is

After last weeks 'adventure' Mr Vista felt that perhaps some clarity was needed around this whole internet do-dah. So here is his latest easy to use guide. Learn! Before it is too late.

Hot girl on webcam

Mr Vista and the hot girl
Uploaded by MrVista

Mr Vista has pulled at last! Virtually of course.

Remember the bad old days? Back then to get a cheeky peek of the female form took effort. Probably involving making 'Scuff Face' Andrews* give you a bunk up so you peek in through the girl's changing room's upper windows - as an example. What a waste of time! And they painted them over after a few weeks anyway. Pah!

Well there is none of that now. The onward march of technology, the billions of dollars invested in technology, the decades of work putting in an international network of inter-connected servers have all paid off. The time is now! Now some girls will give you a tease for free. Awesome. And better for Scuff Face's back too!

* Replace your long suffering friends name here - eg. Chubby Cheng, Killer Khan, Beak nosed Brenda or just plain old 'Fart breath'.

What's for sale on the web today?

Hey everyone! Let's see what's for sale via google ads today... what fun...*

Click to make bigger.



*this is a lie.

Mr Vista - the tease

How to be hot!
Uploaded by MrVista

If you have always wanted to be a first class and excellent cam-whore then Mr Vista can help you. I mean, what better way is there to gain self respect and claim your dignity than posing about on the net. I'm sure that was what the internet was invented for wasn't it. So feel free, flirt away, it makes the opposite sex value and admire you - honest!

Download free films here!

Download free feature films here
Uploaded by MrVista

Everyone is at it. Even your dear old nan. So this week, the modern era's answer to Buster Keaton gets all piratebay on your ass. Therefore (and thus) we proudly present Mr Vista's attempt to download some free feature films. Obviously you wouldn't know anything about that - would you!

This week's guest writer is Steve Morrison. A great comedy writer... here is a plug for his new book...

Big Screen Vista

Clearly Mr Vista had the correct drivers installed - as he made it onto the big screen. Luckily the only member of the public who actually stood and stared at a big screen in the middle of Walthamstow also happens to be a loyal Vistaron - Stuart Arnott. Don't forget, if you find big screens scary and you prefer small screens then Mr Vista is available as a video podcast on itunes here.

The inevitable consequence of increasing storage

Mr Vista and the inevitable consequence of increasing storag
Uploaded by MrVista

You know how it is. You get your shiny new storage doo-dah and you just know that this time you will never fill it. I mean, come on, who needs to be able to store 1.4MB / 700MB / 4GB / 1TB (delete as applicable dependent upon the age of yourself) anyway? Who has that much crap? Well, clearly, you do! And so do I. Nuts.

And yes, the brain transfer kit is back. Just to wring maximum use out of our most expensive prop ever made.

This episode also features a handy blip-vert of the whole of series 1. In effect series 1 in a compressed form to save on storage. It isn't infinite you know!

And for the geeks out there - yes, that really is an original issue windows XP launch T-shirt. Jealous much?

There is no....

Do your own version here.

Mr Freeza

The Vista campsite is snowed in this week. Even Mr Vista looks a bit chilly!

The perils of being an early adopter

Mr Vista and the perils of being an early adopter
Uploaded by MrVista

You know how it goes, you turn on your computer to find a new 'software update' is available to download. So you click to download and install it straight away, excited by the new features and envisioning a dream of a bug-free lifestyle - yes?

Wrong!

What are you an idiot or something? Fear change. It is there to funk up your beautiful calm existence. Don't be the first in there. Don't put your hand up and volunteer. Don't jump in with both feet, or even one foot. Let all the gung-ho fat-heads around jump in first to discover it was really a pool of acid. Those first out of the trenches are the first to be shot.

I mean, be careful, otherwise you may find something 'interesting' happens in your life. And we don't want that, do we!

As you can see this film also features Brian from Family Guy and a nice retro VHS copy of Monty Python's Life of Brian. I'll just say that again, it was Family Guy and Monty Python's Life of Brian - you know, just in case the web crawlers and search engines didn't pick it up first time :)

This is another waste of time

Thank goodness people have been using the new and unique Mr Vista time wasting device - the doodle pad. Otherwise it would have been a waste of time making it! Get your copy here.

This is a waste of time

Mr Vista is a waste of time. It wastes my time. And I hope it wastes yours too.

But why leave that to luck??? Watch your own working life tick away with the brand new (and colourful) Mr Vista doodlepad. Keep it on your desk to ensure that your brain power goes into the void that is vista - and not work.

Count down the minutes until home time - just like the blue hatted twat himself! Genius.

Print a new one everyone!

The best quality image is available here.

Everyone loves Ctrl Z

Everyone loves Ctrl Z
Uploaded by MrVista

Don't you wish you could undo the past 52 seconds of your life you just wasted watching this?

Well tough.
You can't. No amount of Z key bashing can erase the image of a strange man doing very little - and doing it right on your own PC screen where you should feel safe from being abused by such nonsense and ridicule.

Anyway - shouldn't you be worried instead about trying to undo the past 10 years of your life, back to a time when words like 'potential' and 'opportunity' meant something to you rather than just sounding like cliche and callous terms your manager would say?

P.S. - the escape key won't work in real life either.

He is back - kind of - in about one week

Mr Vista: Downloading again
Uploaded by MrVista

Yes! He is back. At last, finally, after all this time. He returns like a great blue hat wearing superhero with his green progress bar shaped cape fluttering in the wind of time. Yes back, better than ever.*

Well nearly. In fact he isn't. But he will be. Soon.
The progress bar of editing is the most erratic of all. But he will be back next week, right here.

In the meantime I found this never before seen episode left over in the 'trash'. I guess it is left over as it isn't funny, poignant or even interesting. But tough. Here it is anyway. And it will help you get the taste of failure and ineptitude back in your mouth so you can fully enjoy next week's brand new 'adventures'**

*not legally binding, you may indeed decide he is more juvenile, puerile or facile than ever.
** not strictly adventures as nothing ever happens